Recommended Reading About Adoption

Was adoption the right choice?

 Do Adoptive Families seek help for post-adoption blues?

The excitement of a domestic or international adoption far overrides any feelings of despair or depression when a family brings their child home forever.  As the weeks pass, their lifestyles change; they are weary from adjusting to a baby’s schedule or are still tenuous about adjusting to cultural differences between themselves and their child.  The reality of being a forever family begins to take on a different perspective. 

One adoptive Mom said it this way, “Once we settled in to the real world around us, and our lives seemed to change daily, I asked myself if we had done the right thing.

I began to feel guilty, depressed, sad and lonely, all at the same time.”  How do adoptive families cope with these feelings?  Are they normal?  As a licensed clinical social worker, I have assessed many clients about depression, depressed feelings and depressed moods.  How do these assessments differ with adoptive families?  The difference is primarily about knowing and understanding the emotional challenges that adoption brings.  During the educational process at the pre-assessment stage of the adoption process, the home study, it would be very beneficial to address the possibility of post-adoption stress openly and how to cope with these issues.  It would be important to give families resources that would address post-adoption blues and bring them to a place where they can overcome these feelings and strengthen their family functioning.   

To open the dialogue on post-adoption emotions can contribute to a better prepared adoption experience.  Instead of feeling afraid to discuss these feelings adoptive families need to have the freedom to take the elephant out of the living room.  Families who experience these post-adoption blues have a fear of expressing their feelings because of the possible repercussions from others.  After all, adoptive families have waited a long time to bring their child into their home and they do not want others to think that they cannot handle the daily stress.  Adoptive Moms are normal people and they do not have all the answers, anymore than a Mom with biological children.  These stressful feelings are not about how these children are loved, but more about loving them so much. 

The energy that is required to walk the adoption journey with endless paperwork, the revealing of very personal information, agency requirements, delays in some cases, puts a drain on the family’s resources financially and emotionally.  Adoptive family’s adrenalin is flowing for weeks and months.  Once they adopt a child, there can be moments of letdown even though they have achieved a major life goal.  Although this may not be a perfect analogy, imagine standing on a ski slope in the middle of winter and feeling that surge of excitement before you decide to slide down the slope.  Once at the bottom of the slope, you feel exhilarated and sad that it’s over. 

When we are preparing for events in our lives, we sometimes have expectations that form a vision and we have assumptions that may not be realistic.  Adoptive parents

sometimes have expectations that can prevent them from realizing that certain possibilities do exist.  One of those expectations is that adoption will be a smooth event and that as an adoptive family; they can overcome any and all obstacles.  Perhaps some amount of denial is acceptable and faith plays a big role in what adoptive families can tolerate.  Having faith is one thing but being unprepared for what can happen is another.  Those adoptive families who did prepare themselves and who developed support groups had less stress, fewer fears and were able to cope with some of the depression.

There are some adoptive families who are dealing with feelings of lack of entitlement.  In a domestic placement, for example, an adoptive mother may feel that she is taking a child that is not rightfully hers.  The adoptive mother may have formed a bond between herself and the birthmother, even in a brief period of time.

They may have shared about each other’s life and families. When the adoptive mother holds her child for the first time, she is also aware of the sadness and grieving that is happening with the birthmother.  This can be a very vulnerable and heartfelt time that brings many emotions to the surface.  Sometimes the adoptive mother does not share her feelings because she is afraid of not feeling confident in her role as a parent.  Once she is able to own the mothering role, there is less guilt and more attention to the care taking and nurturing of the child.  Sometimes journaling about the feelings can be helpful and serves as a release for those “secret” feelings.   

Even though many agencies focus on bonding and attachment to the child, this may not happen instantly.  Getting to know him/her is the operant phrase here.  Much has been written about the nurturing of a child, the maternal bond with a child and if this is lacking, the child becomes more of an object than a person.  If those feelings become more and more present, adoptive parent/parents need to seek professional help.  This is not the time to erect an emotional barrier between yourself and your child. Share your feelings with your spouse or an adoption worker.  It is a time to take a step back and begin to look at the changes in your life and lifestyle.  Children are lovable and want to be loved; they are not little adults. Take time to take care of your own good health, both emotionally and physically.  Remember this is a journey forever.

Submitted by:

Gloria M. Reiske, LCSW