Recommended Reading About Adoption

Anxious, Stressed? – Positive and Negative feelings about Adoptive Families

My mother and grandmother would tell me that being anxious and stressed can be positive feelings.  I don’t recall believing it at the time, but as I look back over my life as a mother and social worker, I now have a better understanding of those words.  

Whenever I attend or present at an Information Session for our agency, adoptive families are tenuous about several things.  In Domestic Adoptions, they are always concerned that the birthmother will change her mind or that they will find out after the fact that the baby has some serious medical problem or that the verbal agreement made between them and the birthmother will be tested.  In International Adoptions, the families are concerned about traveling to a foreign country, not having the documents they need, delays when they arrive at the orphanage or the Embassy.  In other words, they are anxious and stressed and sometimes frustrated about the entire process.  

How do adoptive families resolve those heavy, emotional feelings?  The big word here is TRUST…….in yourselves, your agency, the liaisons and what’s in the best interest of your adoptive child.  Although we talk about adoptive families and birthmothers, we all agree that this entire process is about the CHILD.  The process may take time and test your flexibility. 

During your waiting time you want to:

• Know yourself.  This is a good time to think about your own feelings about becoming a parent and how that will affect your child.

• Educate yourselves about child development, talk to other adults about their experiences.

• Know as much as you can about raising a child.

• Know that you are your own best resource when it comes to making decisions about your child.

• Realize that you are the most important persons (adoptive family) in your child’s life.

• Take time to explore and learn about behaviors of children from birth to adolescence.

• Return to your childhood and talk to your parents about your behaviors as a child.

• Know your own fears about parenting and talk about them to each other and other trusted family and friends.

All parents have dreams and expectations for their child and they worry.  If the adoptive family were troublesome or exhibited some inappropriate behaviors as a child, they worry that their child will do the same.  See your child for the INDIVIDUAL that he really is and foster his personality and his interests.  If you enjoyed playing baseball as a child or enjoyed certain hobbies, your child may not want to take that same path.  Raising a child is not about your past, it is about living in the present with your child.

As a child, you may have learned about how well people get along, or you may have learned that when people become angry they shout a lot.  How do you express anger?  Will this be the way you express angry feelings to your child?  Take time to think about how your personalities will affect your child.  How did your family help you feel good about yourself?  Talk to each other in depth about your expectations as a father and a mother and how you will behave daily around your child.  Alert! This may change once the child is in your home. 

Adoptive families are often viewed by society as having made a “real sacrifice” and expect them to be more perfect.  Nobody’s perfect and you do not need to walk that path.

We all learn by trial and error.  Sometimes, as parents, we become anxious and stressed because we cannot find the right words, or behaviors to solve a problem.  We may try too hard to take care of every situation.  Isn’t it possible that we may all need space and time away from each other to calm down? 

You may want to learn how to be a detective.  Children have a way of giving you clues and develop patterns of behavior that will tell you what is missing.  Try to understand why he/she is having a temper tantrum.  Since we like to have our basic needs met, is your child hungry, sleepy, over stimulated, not feeling well.  Young children cannot always tell us what’s wrong and it may take some trial and error, so be a sleuth and try to understand what’s going on in your CHILD’S life.  As your child reaches adolescence, the same behaviors may be exhibited again.  Keep a close watch on changes in behavior, whatever age.  

Once you have a better knowledge of what to expect, take time for yourselves.  Your child does not always need you every moment of the day.  Take a break and remember that you are not only parents, but a loving couple.  You need to maintain and sustain your relationship in the best interest of yourselves.  Your caring ways with each other will be the role model your child/children will depend on for the rest of their lives. 

Anxiety and stress can be the alert system we need to take back our control over what we must do to bring our issues to resolution or make good decisions in service of ourselves.  When I use that phrase, sometimes people are taken back and believe it means being selfish.  To the contrary, it means when we understand ourselves, we can respond in healthy ways to our own development.  When we are confident within ourselves, we are in a better place to cope with our daily lives and whatever stress or anxiety is presented to us. 

Submitted by:

Gloria M. Reiske, LCSW

Executive Director

ABC Adoption Services, Inc.

4725 Garst Mill Rd.  Ste. 2

Roanoke, VA 24018